Dealing with the death of my mother

What I have learned is that one death can transform your life.  For most people, especially me, the death of my mother seems to have affected me the most.  It has been life altering.  An emotional rollercoaster that currently effects every decision I make.  Every day I get up and wonder about my motivation and drive.  Where have they gone?  Why are the not as present?

I have gone to at least 5 funerals just this year including my mother.  Countless other friends’ relatives have died.  I have enjoyed the memories of loved ones who have died and despised the religious tones of some services.  I enjoyed the celebrations of life, the reunion of families and friends, the pictures of past and present, and even the music selections.  I hugged friends and family and caught up on their lives.

It doesn’t matter that my relationship with my mother was difficult up until the last 2 years of her life.  She was haunted by the disease of dementia and had been extremely mean and cruel to me.  So when she finally got to the stage of life that I could have a great relationship with her she could no longer communicate.  She became happy go lucky and excited to see me.  We enjoyed long drives and dining in restaurants while her physical body got weaker and weaker.  I would put her walker into my car like a stroller.  The circle of life was becoming complete for her.   I prepared for her death.  It was no surprise when she died.

It was a long day with a difficult death process until she finally took her last breath.  I was there when she took her last breath.  I was strong at her funeral.  We as a family made tough decisions.  I braided her last braid of her long grey hair, put lipstick on her, and spent one last special moment before she got put into her casket.  The memorial service was beautiful and her beloved grandchildren sang beautiful songs to lay her to rest.  I didn’t predict that this moment was life altering.

My whole meaning of who I was, my extreme overachieving personality just became uprooted.  

The grief effect snuck up on me with slyness.  I wasn’t expecting to be affected because her death was expected.  It started with days of not being able to get out of bed.  This was unusual for me.  I very rarely feel depression.  My 12 to 14 hour days of working stopped as I felt like I had no direction or motivation.  I honestly didn’t know what to work on next.  What to sink my teeth into.

Slowly, a new person is emerging.  

I ask myself …”What does Linda want?”  

Even my bucket list has changed and I have found I want to spend more time at home and not travel as much.  I have a new sense of mortality and am not living for anyone else but me.  I am the new matriarch and am trying to guide my adult children into great lives.

I had heard from others how significant a mother’s death was.  What a milestone this life event was.  I truly thought I would make it through this moment without any effect because her illness was long and her death was no surprise.  My friends would say they could never forget their mother who passed and they thought about her every day.  Little did I know this would be a life altering event for me in more ways than one.

Once my connection was gone, I have felt free to relax more and not be as driven.  In some ways the pressure is off but the reality is the pressure wasn’t on from her.  Just my perception of pressure that carried into my adult life from childhood.  I know she was proud of me.  Now the pressure is on me to perform for nobody but me.  I will have to quiet or silence the inner voice of her expectations and know I am enough.  I have nobody to please now but me.

My mother was a very strong woman.  She took care of her family and worked in a very male dominated era.  A time when women were not promoted or worse yet, fired, because the man with a wife and children was considered to have a family.  The single woman with children somehow didn’t need the income.  I am definitely more appreciative and grateful to my hard working mother.  It must have been a very tough struggle.

Am I grateful for the personal growth and perspective? Yes. Do I wish I could visit with her again?  Every day. 

Miss you always.

Five Ways an Overachiever Overcomes Guilt

Merriam-Webster defines an overachiever as “one who achieves success over and above the standard or expected level especially at an early age.”  My name is Linda.  I am an overachiever.  I beat myself up when I do not achieve to some unrealistic standard.  I achieve more than most people do.  I am unsure why I am an overachiever but it has history from my childhood.  

I found myself lately scheduling fun.  Not living in the moment.  Surviving and not thriving.  All in the pursuit of success to feed my fear of failure.  Anyone that looks at my life looks at a person who has a lot of fun while working hard.  I was having fun and then checking fun off a checklist.  That activity was fun.  Fun was checked off the list.  That activity was fun.  Fun was checked off the list and so on.  While I was having fun, I was beating myself up for not doing the 5 things on my task list for the day and worrying about the 5 meetings the next day.  I was making myself feel guilty about fun.

I wanted to work on overcoming guilt so I came up with the following methods:

1. Recognize Guilt (Unhealthy or Normal)

Some guilt is okay, even healthy.  For instance, if you indulged in holiday candy and ate until you are sick you should feel guilty about that.  You consumed 5 desserts and could hardly walk out of a restaurant.  You should feel guilty for both these scenarios.

But what if you worked an 80-hour work week and didn’t make it to your family function.  Again.  What if you refuse to delegate that task because the person you wanted to delegate to isn’t going to complete it to your standard?  I feel this is appropriate guilt and common for an overachiever.

Normal guilt arises when you can change your behavior.  It is the little accountabilibuddy in your life.  Are you working out?  Are you eating right?  Are you having fun?

I cannot be everywhere all of the time.  I do like to mentor and help entrepreneurs.  I do like to write for people.  I dread the person who says let’s meet up for lunch or coffee.  I immediately feel my heart rate rise as I try to imagine where I am going to fit them in my already full calendar.  I feel guilty for not being able to help them.  My guilt in this situation is unhealthy because it doesn’t serve any real purpose.  No mistake happened here.  Nobody died.  I just could not find time to help this person.

Unhealthy guilt is blown out of proportion in the overachiever and can put a spin on the day that could ultimately contribute to depression or low self-esteem.

2. Reality Check

Should you be feeling guilty?  So for an overachiever, you can take a mean of the people you hang out with.  Are you feeling guilty about not getting that 80th hour of work in this week?  Did the 5 friends you respect and hang out with work 80 hours?  I am sure they did not.  Stop putting the guilt on yourself with unrealistic expectations.   This is guilt gone wrong and can be unhealthy.  Go ahead and compare yourself to others.  Reel in that overachieving tendency.

3. Beware of Guilt Trips

People you hang around with and even other overachievers can make you feel guilty.  They can do this to advance their own agenda, often unintentionally.  Analyze the other person’s point of view and determine if they are accounting for your needs.  Be careful and always put yourself first in the situation and don’t overload your agenda.

4. Change sooner rather than later

If your guilt is normal or rational, healthy guilt, then take action to fix the problem.  Stop overeating.  Recognize you are working too much and change your schedule.  Apologize to the person you may have offended with the hasty comment.  Stop doing the things that make you feel guilty.  Get rid of the heaviness and live in the moment.

Accept you did something wrong, you are only human, and move on.

An overachiever will focus and focus on the fact they could have done something more.  They should have been there.  Stop engaging in the self-loathing, self-blame and self-punishment because you should have acted differently, you should have worked more, you should have been the better person.  Let that go and move on.  The more energy that is wasted on believing you could have done more will prohibit your self-growth.

5. Learn from behaviors

Guilt can be nauseating and can eat an overachiever alive.  You can feel guilty about anything that prevents you from achieving.  If you have found your guilt to be unhealthy, then you can’t really learn anything.  You need to change the behavior so you can get your stress level down. 

Grow some self-esteem and don’t let anyone feel guilty for taking your time.  Put your own work and family first and if you have time then spend it with other people.  Control your time and you will control your guilt about time.

If you are constantly apologizing for snide and careless remarks, stop saying the remarks.  Filter your mouth and wait to speak.  Get rid of the guilt associated with insulting another person. 

Perfection doesn’t exist in anyone

Nobody is perfect.  Looking at others and holding you to an unrealistic standard when the others aren’t leading a perfect life either.  Perfection cannot be achieved and striving for perfection can be a recipe for failure.

Guilt is one of those negative things that take time from thriving.  Like the author Andy Stanley suggests, break free from the destructive power of guilt, anger, greed, and jealousy.

Top 10 Motivational Songs to Start 2016

Wake Me Up - Avicii 

So wake me up when it's all over 
When I'm wiser and I'm older 
All this time I was finding myself 
And I didn't know I was lost 

Shake It Off – Taylor Swift 

'Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play 
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate 
Baby, I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake 
I shake it off, I shake it off 

Happy – Pharrell Williams 

Because I'm happy 
Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof 
Because I'm happy 
Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth 
Because I'm happy 
Clap along if you know what happiness is to you 
Because I'm happy 
Clap along if you feel like that's what you wanna do

All About That Bass – Meghan Trainor 

I see the magazine workin' that Photoshop 
We know that shit ain't real, come on now, make it stop 
If you got beauty, beauty, just raise 'em up 
'Cause every inch of you is perfect from the bottom to the top 

Unwritten - Natasha Bedingfield 

Live your life with arms wide open. 
Today is where your book begins. 
The rest is still unwritten.

It’s Time – Imagine Dragons 

It's time to begin, isn't it? 
I get a little bit bigger but then I'll admit 
I'm just the same as I was 
Now don't you understand 
That I'm never changing who I am 

Titanium – David Guetta 

I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose 
Fire away, fire away 
Ricochet, you take your aim 
Fire away, fire away 
You shoot me down but I won't fall 
I am titanium 

Brave - Sara Bareilles 

Say what you wanna say 
And let the words fall out 
Honestly I wanna see you be brave 
With what you want to say 
And let the words fall out 
Honestly I wanna see you be brave 

Bulletproof - La Roux 

This time baby, I'll be bulletproof 

Push It - Salt-N-Pepa 

Ah, push it - p-push it real good 

Six things for Letting Go and Realizing Your Potential

We have all heard the popular song Let it Go from the Disney movie Frozen performed by Idina Menzel.  The words are profound:

Let it go, let it go
Can't hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door!

I certainly have invisible shackles that hold me back from achieving the most I can be but I realize them, and I work on them.  I believe there are six steps in letting go and realizing your full potential:

1. Let go of the past
2. Walk away from Life Energy Suckers
3. Let go of Fears
4. Embrace Change
5. Be Grateful
6. Live in the Moment

Let Go of the Past

You can’t start a new chapter in your life if you keep re-reading the last one.  

~ Author Unknown

Our memories exist, and good or bad memories can be triggered by many causes.  I journal and have for over 20 years.  I can read about my past and put it into perspective.  I am only human, and I have made mistakes.  I keep learning and growing from my mistakes and also my successes.  This year marked a death of a past boyfriend that was truly a turning point in my life.  His sudden death made me realize again how short life is but how I had taken his friendship for granted.  I truly miss being able to call him whenever at any time of day and be able to have that support system.

But I am not going to let my past control my present.  I can constantly relive the moments with him, or I can tuck them safely away and try to create new moments.  He was partly responsible for me starting my business and for getting me out of my comfort zone.  He taught me about wanting more.  Working hard to play harder and the joy of traveling.  He taught me great life lessons, but as much as I want him to be in my present and future, he is my past.   I have to let go of his memory and take the lessons into the present and future.  By dwelling and reliving moments I am letting the past control my present.

Walk Away from Life Energy Suckers

We all know that person who hangs around just to suck the living “life energy” out of you.  You feel exhausted, bored, anxious, irritated, stressed, threatened, overwhelmed or depressed about 30 seconds after they speak.  These unhealthy attachments bring about delays in our progression of our goals. 

Another energy sucker is a person who constantly asks for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them, an askhole.  I love to help people.  I love entrepreneurs and have either donated to their projects or even housed them temporarily until they got their project off the ground.  But if a person in my life does not respect or take my advice then I am ready to help someone who will utilize my help.  My mother used to say, and I am unsure who the original author is but “you can't help someone who won't help themselves.”

Free up the time that the “life energy” suckers are taking by establishing strong personal boundaries and enforce them by saying “No.”  I strive to spend time with people who are happy, motivated, curious, wanting to learn, positive, and full of integrity.  A “life energy” sucker does not fit in with my goals and aspirations.  I will decide whom I spend my time with.

Let Go of Fears

Do you have one of those fears that plague you?  I have several that debilitate me somewhat.   The fear of falling, Acrophobia (fear of heights), and Atychiphobia (the fear of failure).  So what do I do about it?  I force myself out of my comfort zone.  I went skydiving this year for the second time.  Now mind you my eyes were closed this time, but I still got myself out of the airplane at 14,000 feet.  It was tough, the airplane was really small, my foot got stuck, and the instructor was mean and ornery. 

Then on one of my hiking adventures I got stuck on a slick rock about 15 or 20 feet up and my fear of falling kicked in and a friend had to come up and hold my hand to get down.  That one was the worst as I had a small panic attack.  I hug a wall every time there is a drop-off, but I continue to push myself.  Huyana Picchu and the Inca Trail in Peru were both challenging, but I made it.  Your fears are a roadblock so get out of your own way by facing your fears and working through them.

Embrace Change

The hardest change in life is the changes we need but don’t want.  I realize I am the only one that can initiate, incorporate and execute change in my life.  I am in control.  This month has had me housing several members of the Jamaican Bobsled Team.  I provide housing and in return, I get to experience true joy and happiness from the Islanders who completely apply the mantra “don’t worry, be happy.”  The team members are truly optimistic and happy go lucky and embrace change. 

We go through a lot in life.  We go through change, difficult times, loss and sorrow, extreme happiness and joy and that forces change again. It is a never-ending stream of changes in our lives as well as accepting those changes.

I find the easiest way to embrace change is to be open and listen to new ideas.  Seasoned entrepreneurs have a lot of advice that if you simply ask questions and really listen to their answers, you will get profound ideas for your own business.

I am constantly finding ways to motivate myself and increase my personal productivity.  I have to change my daily activities and add structure.  I have to make time for personal physical and emotional growth to ensure my highest capabilities.  I want to defeat my fear of failure and succeed by facing it head on with positive change.

Be Grateful

I try to simplify my life, love people, be compassionate and caring, communicate honestly and truthfully with integrity, and remember there is always another person or many other people who have it so much worse.

Life is not perfect, but my life doesn’t suck.  I put my life in perspective and see the good as well as the bad.  I really have nothing to complain about.  I am very talented and have a great family and many close friends as well as business acquaintances.  I have a home, car and a career that I love.  I realize what I have, and I am so grateful.

Live in the moment

When you truly live in the moment, you increase your awareness of the little things.  I am mindful of other people’s talents, their small acts of kindness, their willingness to share their life experiences and how I can incorporate unique and meaningful experiences into my own life.  Each day is a blank page that can be filled with new unique and meaningful experiences.  Doing something new or meeting someone new adds to my already full life and I love those moments.  They bring a breath of fresh air.

In conclusion, it is a great reminder to let go of everything holding you back and live in the present while progressing toward a bigger and brighter future with hope, anticipation, and excitement for the positive things that are going to come.  Maintaining a positive attitude and letting go of the things that bind you will bring positive results when the timing is right.

Top 10 Motivational Songs to Start 2013

Everyone knows I love, love, love MUSIC! All genres and so these are some of the songs that motivate me to be successful! 

1. Unwritten - Natasha Bedingfield 

 “Live your life with arms wide open. Today is where your book begins. The rest is still unwritten.”

 


2.  Who Says - Selena Gomez and The Scene 

 “I wouldn't wanna be anybody else”

 


3.  Gold - Britt Nicole 

 “Well everybody keeps score, afraid you're gonna lose Just ignore they don't know the real you All the rain in the sky can't put out your fire Of all the stars out tonight, you shine brighter”

 


4. Perfect – Pink 

“Pretty, pretty please Don't you ever, ever feel 
Like your less than F----' perfect.
Pretty, pretty please If you ever, ever feel 
Like your nothing 
You're f-----' perfect to me.”

 


5.  Suddenly I See - KT Tunstall 

 “Suddenly I see (suddenly I see) This is what I wanna be”

 


6.  Born This Way - Lady Gaga 

“I'm beautiful in my way' 
Cause God makes no mistakes 
I'm on the right track, baby I was born this way”

 


7.  Firework - Katy Perry 

“'Cause, baby, you're a firework Come on, show 'em what you're worth”

 


8.  Time of My Life - David Cook 

“And I’ll taste every moment and live it out loud 
I know this is the time, 
this is the time to be More than a name or a face in the crowd 
I know this is the time, this is the time of my life, my life”

 


9.  Live Like You Were Dying – Tim McGraw 

“Skydiving 
I went Rocky mountain climbing 
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named Blue Manchu 
And I loved deeper 
And I spoke sweeter 
And I watched an eagle as it was flying" And he said 
"Someday I hope you get the chance To live like you were dying”

   


10. I Won't Back Down - Tom Petty 

“Well I know what's right, I got just one life 
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around 
But I'll stand my ground and I won't back down”

 

 Bonus Track (I couldn’t pick just ten) 


11.  Upside Down - Jack Johnson 

“Who's to say what's impossible and can't be found? I don't want this feeling to go away”

 

 Have a most awesome day!

My Story

I have lived in Utah my entire life, born in a small farming community, in Morgan, and was raised by my mother, who was a single mom raising five children in what I will refer to as litters. My half-brothers were at least a decade older than me, and then a decade later she raised her two grandchildren. In Morgan, Utah it is difficult to find diversity, and even more difficult to be different. Morgan is a small, predominately Mormon, town, in which there are certain expectations of the role of a woman. Men are regarded very highly in the Mormon religion. Women in Morgan are expected to be a homemaker, handling all of the responsibilities of taking care of a loving home. My Father was an alcoholic and left our home when I was 1 1/2 years old and moved out of state.

My Mother never went to college and did not have any dreams of owning her own business; she did her best to provide for her children while remaining within the expected role of a woman. She worked at an Air Force Base where promotions were generally given to women who would do sexual favors for the boss. My mother chose to not lower her standards and therefore struggled to make ends meet by not receiving promotions.

Of my family, I am the only one to dream of owning my own business and the only one to have pursued higher education, thus breaking from the family mold and becoming a success in the business world. I have exceeded any expectations of my family and never let the various challenges and obstacles associated with being a woman impede upon my path to success.

Living in a small town for most of my life, I was expected to follow into the traditional role of a woman, and in some memories of my childhood, I remember how my family and I were socially biased. I can remember being wrapped in a socially acceptable "pink" blanket, how my mother spoke to me with a soft voice of understanding, and how I was given a baby doll to play with instead of a truck, all because of my gender. As I became older, I already understood what were "acceptable behavior" and the tasks and responsibilities for girls, which did not include owning my own business.

It was not socially acceptable where I lived for girls to have technical skills or design anything that was not fashionable. Becoming a software engineer was not socially acceptable in my family, my town, or the business world. Many girls in adolescence go through changes which negatively affect self-image and future choices. As a result, girls often refrain from asking questions and sharing answers. Many girls feel inferior to others or wish to mask their leadership abilities and intelligence and decline opportunities to take part in student government, clubs, or challenges that may cause failure. These issues also discourage some girls from taking part in higher track classes in math, science, and computer science. These are all biases, which were not always this obvious; I had to overcome in order to become successful as a software engineer.

I remained in Morgan for my education through high school, experiencing the same environment, interacting with the same people, and following the path I was expected to pursue. I then married out of high school and only attending one semester of college before beginning to work full time. I underestimated the difficulty of breaking out of the stereotypical role I had been following, graduate high school and get married. It was not until 1995 did I return to college, while continuing to work full time and raise three children, and begin pursuing my degree in Business Information Systems, graduating from the University of Phoenix in 1999.

During my employment at various organizations, I was indeed the subject of blatant gender discrimination, which propelled me to other companies in which I succeeded. It is interesting to note that this gender discrimination did not hold me back and in fact may have made me stronger on my pursuit of higher potential in my career and ultimately my own business. Unfortunately this progression to entrepreneur did not allow my marriage to survive.

I decided to start a business, Sensory Technology Consultants, in 2006 after having a great friend offer me a contract with Nasa to do some software development work. The purpose of the ChemSecure Phase II pilot (NASA) was to control item content and staff credentials based on real-time information, to ensure safety and security of personnel and chemicals, and to push organized mission critical data to emergency responders when addressing chemical accidents. The ChemSecure Phase II pilot enhanced the HMMS application using sensor based technology and real time response technology to track hazardous materials using radio frequency ID tags.

Today Sensory Technology Consultants is a multi-million dollar business and we are thriving and growing. You can choose to make something of your past or you can become a victim of your past. The choice is yours and I chose success.