Five Ways an Overachiever Overcomes Guilt

Merriam-Webster defines an overachiever as “one who achieves success over and above the standard or expected level especially at an early age.”  My name is Linda.  I am an overachiever.  I beat myself up when I do not achieve to some unrealistic standard.  I achieve more than most people do.  I am unsure why I am an overachiever but it has history from my childhood.  

I found myself lately scheduling fun.  Not living in the moment.  Surviving and not thriving.  All in the pursuit of success to feed my fear of failure.  Anyone that looks at my life looks at a person who has a lot of fun while working hard.  I was having fun and then checking fun off a checklist.  That activity was fun.  Fun was checked off the list.  That activity was fun.  Fun was checked off the list and so on.  While I was having fun, I was beating myself up for not doing the 5 things on my task list for the day and worrying about the 5 meetings the next day.  I was making myself feel guilty about fun.

I wanted to work on overcoming guilt so I came up with the following methods:

1. Recognize Guilt (Unhealthy or Normal)

Some guilt is okay, even healthy.  For instance, if you indulged in holiday candy and ate until you are sick you should feel guilty about that.  You consumed 5 desserts and could hardly walk out of a restaurant.  You should feel guilty for both these scenarios.

But what if you worked an 80-hour work week and didn’t make it to your family function.  Again.  What if you refuse to delegate that task because the person you wanted to delegate to isn’t going to complete it to your standard?  I feel this is appropriate guilt and common for an overachiever.

Normal guilt arises when you can change your behavior.  It is the little accountabilibuddy in your life.  Are you working out?  Are you eating right?  Are you having fun?

I cannot be everywhere all of the time.  I do like to mentor and help entrepreneurs.  I do like to write for people.  I dread the person who says let’s meet up for lunch or coffee.  I immediately feel my heart rate rise as I try to imagine where I am going to fit them in my already full calendar.  I feel guilty for not being able to help them.  My guilt in this situation is unhealthy because it doesn’t serve any real purpose.  No mistake happened here.  Nobody died.  I just could not find time to help this person.

Unhealthy guilt is blown out of proportion in the overachiever and can put a spin on the day that could ultimately contribute to depression or low self-esteem.

2. Reality Check

Should you be feeling guilty?  So for an overachiever, you can take a mean of the people you hang out with.  Are you feeling guilty about not getting that 80th hour of work in this week?  Did the 5 friends you respect and hang out with work 80 hours?  I am sure they did not.  Stop putting the guilt on yourself with unrealistic expectations.   This is guilt gone wrong and can be unhealthy.  Go ahead and compare yourself to others.  Reel in that overachieving tendency.

3. Beware of Guilt Trips

People you hang around with and even other overachievers can make you feel guilty.  They can do this to advance their own agenda, often unintentionally.  Analyze the other person’s point of view and determine if they are accounting for your needs.  Be careful and always put yourself first in the situation and don’t overload your agenda.

4. Change sooner rather than later

If your guilt is normal or rational, healthy guilt, then take action to fix the problem.  Stop overeating.  Recognize you are working too much and change your schedule.  Apologize to the person you may have offended with the hasty comment.  Stop doing the things that make you feel guilty.  Get rid of the heaviness and live in the moment.

Accept you did something wrong, you are only human, and move on.

An overachiever will focus and focus on the fact they could have done something more.  They should have been there.  Stop engaging in the self-loathing, self-blame and self-punishment because you should have acted differently, you should have worked more, you should have been the better person.  Let that go and move on.  The more energy that is wasted on believing you could have done more will prohibit your self-growth.

5. Learn from behaviors

Guilt can be nauseating and can eat an overachiever alive.  You can feel guilty about anything that prevents you from achieving.  If you have found your guilt to be unhealthy, then you can’t really learn anything.  You need to change the behavior so you can get your stress level down. 

Grow some self-esteem and don’t let anyone feel guilty for taking your time.  Put your own work and family first and if you have time then spend it with other people.  Control your time and you will control your guilt about time.

If you are constantly apologizing for snide and careless remarks, stop saying the remarks.  Filter your mouth and wait to speak.  Get rid of the guilt associated with insulting another person. 

Perfection doesn’t exist in anyone

Nobody is perfect.  Looking at others and holding you to an unrealistic standard when the others aren’t leading a perfect life either.  Perfection cannot be achieved and striving for perfection can be a recipe for failure.

Guilt is one of those negative things that take time from thriving.  Like the author Andy Stanley suggests, break free from the destructive power of guilt, anger, greed, and jealousy.

31 Daily Affirmations for Professionals

Do you believe that you are what you think?  Do you talk to yourself or write things to improve yourself and think more positively?  We cannot rely entirely on thoughts or words but to constantly review these in the form of affirmations can create possibilities.  You begin to believe the words and put them into action.  We manifest our dreams and ambitions to make our words become reality.  

Affirmations are like exercise for our brains.

According to the article Self-Affirmation Improves Problem-Solving under Stress, a study revealed that self-affirmation improved problem-solving performance in chronically stressed participants.  Affirmations raise the level of feel-good hormones to relieve stress and improve problem-solving abilities.

I am determined to break the pattern of negative thought.  The constant self-criticism associated with an overachiever where nothing is good enough.  I have come up with 31 self-affirmations for the professional to repeat as often as necessary until the negative speech becomes a positive speech and in turn, positive actions.  I want to turn the words “I can’t” into “I can” and use the positive energy to my benefit.

The following are daily affirmations for 31 days of a month.  You can read them all at once or read one every day.  The important thing is repetitiveness.  You want them embedded to change your thoughts.  I use Post-it notes on my mirror.

1. I have energy and am highly motivated.
2. My body is healthy, and my mind is brilliant.
3. I am superior to negative thoughts and low actions.
4. I have been given endless talents and will utilize today.
5. I forgive those who have harmed me in my past.
6. I have compassion and love for my fellow human being.
7. I am guided in my every step toward what I must do.
8. I possess the qualities needed to be extremely successful.
9. My business is growing, expanding, and thriving.
10. Creative energy surges through me and leads me to new and brilliant ideas.
11. Happiness is a choice. I am happy.
12. My ability to conquer my challenges is finite; my potential to succeed is infinite.
13. I deserve to be paid well for my time, efforts, and ideas. 
14. I am courageous, confident, and I stand up for myself.
15. I set standards for myself and utilize firm boundaries.
16. My thoughts are filled with positivity and my life is prosperous.
17. Today, I abandon my old habits and take up new, more positive ones.
18. Many people look up to me and recognize my worth; I am admired.
19. I am blessed with an incredible family and wonderful friends.
20. I acknowledge my own self-worth; my confidence is soaring.
21. Everything that is happening now is happening for my ultimate good.
22. I am a powerhouse; I am indestructible.
23. Though these times are difficult, they are only a short phase of life.
24. My future is an ideal projection of what I dream of.
25. My dreams manifest into reality before my eyes.
26. I radiate beauty, charm, and grace.
27. Obstacles will be moved out of my path to experience greatness.
28. I wake up today with strength in my heart and clarity in my mind.
29. My fears of tomorrow are simply melting away.
30. I am at peace with all that has happened, is happening, and will happen.
31. My life is just beginning.

Repeating affirmations can turn thoughts into action.  Changing your thought process is the easiest and most efficient way to self-improvement.

Mentors - Who is holding me accountable?

Starting a company is hard, so you're going to need a lot of advice along the way.  If you are like me, you have constant ideas flowing about a new idea for a product or service.  You cannot stop thinking so what should you do to execute at least one of these ideas.  

The answer is finding good mentors.  

I have had some excellent mentors that have held my hand, called my bluff, and gave me pros and cons of ideas.  These people are my personal board of directors that know me and can tell me the holes in my ideas.  Is it a good idea or not?  Is the idea profitable?

I recently read Keith Ferrazzi’s Who’s Got Your Back.  This fantastic book offers the advice to build more supportive relationships.  Ferrazzi provides a nine-step approach to creating what he calls “lifeline relationships,” an inner circle of trusting support peers who serve as advisors, cheerleaders, and accountability watchdogs. These mentors respect you enough to tell you like it is.  Ferrazzi invites you to “let others help.”  Your professional development means more when you let others help.

I have one mentor in particular that I hold a phone call with every two weeks to see how my progress is going.  He holds me accountable for my goals and especially my progress on these objectives.  We discuss strategic tactics and whether these goals are still working or whether we need to change the direction to adjust to changing environmental issues.  I trust him, respect him and he holds me accountable and we work through ideas and execution of those ideas.  In turn, I discuss what is going on with him, and we have a win-win situation where both of us profit both economically and personally.

Without my mentors in my defense contracting business, DynaGrace Enterprises, I would never have known how to organize my accounting records in preparation for a DCAA audit.  My mentors helped me prepare several technical and cost proposals for competitive solicitations and also helped me market my business to government clients.

Because of mentors I have been able to achieve my goals and make them faster because of my personal board of directors.  I suggest you start building that board sooner rather than later and your success knows no limit.

Bailout

The bailout is intended to rescue bankers from the bad loans that threaten to derail the economy and plunge the country into a long depression.

What about people like me who have paid their loans on time every time. I haven't taken out a loan that I could not pay back. I have been turned down by banks in favor for someone who would not pay their debts.

Disgusting!

I heard Debrah Orman on Oprah this week saying to only place your cash in an account backed by the government nothing else. She suspects some of the banks will go under. This is very scary!

Myself? I am stockpiling a bit of food.

Define Success

So a friend of mine gave me a book for my birthday. It is called "The Secret". She has told me many times that I am already living my dream. After I have made some lucrative business deals, purchased a big house, purchased beautiful furniture and made sure my kids are healthy and happy I have to wonder what is next on the agenda for me.

I try to help people realize the value of positive thinking. If you are constantly in the negative zone then you will be extremely unhappy. Another aspect of positive thinking is to make sure you are grateful for what you have. I think at any time a person can hit rock bottom.

I want people to realize there is so much out there if you believe in yourself and help other people to do the same. So how do I define success?

First I would break it down into several areas of success.

Professional Success

If I am successful professionally then I have not only climbed the career ladder and am well respected in my field but I have also helped others to do the same thing. By helping them improve professionally I am also improving myself professionally. I can inspire and motivate even the lowliest person to do better in their career.

Personal Success

I define personal success as having the ability to love myself. Putting my professional success aside and realizing what is important in life. Family and friends should remain at the top and their happiness and well being is very important to me. To live a long life I also think a person is successful by making their mind, body and soul healthy.

Human Success

I am successful in the human race if I have shown compassion and service to others. I am also successful if have brightened the most depressed person on earth with my smile. I want to make a positive influence in people's lives and make them glad that they met me. Making people laugh is the greatest thing on earth. Even if they are laughing at my corny jokes or reading the constant stream of humor email I send out.

Overall

I want to go to bed at night and sleep because I know I have achieved success that day. I want to die with no regrets. There is that old saying about sliding into the grave not saying "Geez I can't believe my life is over" but saying…"GAWD…what a ride!" I want to take risks and never have regrets.

The point is success is not about the money I have made or the places I have been. The best success in life is how well I respect myself. If I have done the things that I know are right then I will respect myself and others will respect me too.

After a While

After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And present aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads today
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans.
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight,
After a while, you learn that even the sunshine
Burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong.
And you really do have worth.
And you learn...
With every goodbye you learn.

By Veronica A. Shofstall