Dealing with the death of my mother

What I have learned is that one death can transform your life.  For most people, especially me, the death of my mother seems to have affected me the most.  It has been life altering.  An emotional rollercoaster that currently effects every decision I make.  Every day I get up and wonder about my motivation and drive.  Where have they gone?  Why are the not as present?

I have gone to at least 5 funerals just this year including my mother.  Countless other friends’ relatives have died.  I have enjoyed the memories of loved ones who have died and despised the religious tones of some services.  I enjoyed the celebrations of life, the reunion of families and friends, the pictures of past and present, and even the music selections.  I hugged friends and family and caught up on their lives.

It doesn’t matter that my relationship with my mother was difficult up until the last 2 years of her life.  She was haunted by the disease of dementia and had been extremely mean and cruel to me.  So when she finally got to the stage of life that I could have a great relationship with her she could no longer communicate.  She became happy go lucky and excited to see me.  We enjoyed long drives and dining in restaurants while her physical body got weaker and weaker.  I would put her walker into my car like a stroller.  The circle of life was becoming complete for her.   I prepared for her death.  It was no surprise when she died.

It was a long day with a difficult death process until she finally took her last breath.  I was there when she took her last breath.  I was strong at her funeral.  We as a family made tough decisions.  I braided her last braid of her long grey hair, put lipstick on her, and spent one last special moment before she got put into her casket.  The memorial service was beautiful and her beloved grandchildren sang beautiful songs to lay her to rest.  I didn’t predict that this moment was life altering.

My whole meaning of who I was, my extreme overachieving personality just became uprooted.  

The grief effect snuck up on me with slyness.  I wasn’t expecting to be affected because her death was expected.  It started with days of not being able to get out of bed.  This was unusual for me.  I very rarely feel depression.  My 12 to 14 hour days of working stopped as I felt like I had no direction or motivation.  I honestly didn’t know what to work on next.  What to sink my teeth into.

Slowly, a new person is emerging.  

I ask myself …”What does Linda want?”  

Even my bucket list has changed and I have found I want to spend more time at home and not travel as much.  I have a new sense of mortality and am not living for anyone else but me.  I am the new matriarch and am trying to guide my adult children into great lives.

I had heard from others how significant a mother’s death was.  What a milestone this life event was.  I truly thought I would make it through this moment without any effect because her illness was long and her death was no surprise.  My friends would say they could never forget their mother who passed and they thought about her every day.  Little did I know this would be a life altering event for me in more ways than one.

Once my connection was gone, I have felt free to relax more and not be as driven.  In some ways the pressure is off but the reality is the pressure wasn’t on from her.  Just my perception of pressure that carried into my adult life from childhood.  I know she was proud of me.  Now the pressure is on me to perform for nobody but me.  I will have to quiet or silence the inner voice of her expectations and know I am enough.  I have nobody to please now but me.

My mother was a very strong woman.  She took care of her family and worked in a very male dominated era.  A time when women were not promoted or worse yet, fired, because the man with a wife and children was considered to have a family.  The single woman with children somehow didn’t need the income.  I am definitely more appreciative and grateful to my hard working mother.  It must have been a very tough struggle.

Am I grateful for the personal growth and perspective? Yes. Do I wish I could visit with her again?  Every day. 

Miss you always.

Six things for Letting Go and Realizing Your Potential

We have all heard the popular song Let it Go from the Disney movie Frozen performed by Idina Menzel.  The words are profound:

Let it go, let it go
Can't hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door!

I certainly have invisible shackles that hold me back from achieving the most I can be but I realize them, and I work on them.  I believe there are six steps in letting go and realizing your full potential:

1. Let go of the past
2. Walk away from Life Energy Suckers
3. Let go of Fears
4. Embrace Change
5. Be Grateful
6. Live in the Moment

Let Go of the Past

You can’t start a new chapter in your life if you keep re-reading the last one.  

~ Author Unknown

Our memories exist, and good or bad memories can be triggered by many causes.  I journal and have for over 20 years.  I can read about my past and put it into perspective.  I am only human, and I have made mistakes.  I keep learning and growing from my mistakes and also my successes.  This year marked a death of a past boyfriend that was truly a turning point in my life.  His sudden death made me realize again how short life is but how I had taken his friendship for granted.  I truly miss being able to call him whenever at any time of day and be able to have that support system.

But I am not going to let my past control my present.  I can constantly relive the moments with him, or I can tuck them safely away and try to create new moments.  He was partly responsible for me starting my business and for getting me out of my comfort zone.  He taught me about wanting more.  Working hard to play harder and the joy of traveling.  He taught me great life lessons, but as much as I want him to be in my present and future, he is my past.   I have to let go of his memory and take the lessons into the present and future.  By dwelling and reliving moments I am letting the past control my present.

Walk Away from Life Energy Suckers

We all know that person who hangs around just to suck the living “life energy” out of you.  You feel exhausted, bored, anxious, irritated, stressed, threatened, overwhelmed or depressed about 30 seconds after they speak.  These unhealthy attachments bring about delays in our progression of our goals. 

Another energy sucker is a person who constantly asks for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them, an askhole.  I love to help people.  I love entrepreneurs and have either donated to their projects or even housed them temporarily until they got their project off the ground.  But if a person in my life does not respect or take my advice then I am ready to help someone who will utilize my help.  My mother used to say, and I am unsure who the original author is but “you can't help someone who won't help themselves.”

Free up the time that the “life energy” suckers are taking by establishing strong personal boundaries and enforce them by saying “No.”  I strive to spend time with people who are happy, motivated, curious, wanting to learn, positive, and full of integrity.  A “life energy” sucker does not fit in with my goals and aspirations.  I will decide whom I spend my time with.

Let Go of Fears

Do you have one of those fears that plague you?  I have several that debilitate me somewhat.   The fear of falling, Acrophobia (fear of heights), and Atychiphobia (the fear of failure).  So what do I do about it?  I force myself out of my comfort zone.  I went skydiving this year for the second time.  Now mind you my eyes were closed this time, but I still got myself out of the airplane at 14,000 feet.  It was tough, the airplane was really small, my foot got stuck, and the instructor was mean and ornery. 

Then on one of my hiking adventures I got stuck on a slick rock about 15 or 20 feet up and my fear of falling kicked in and a friend had to come up and hold my hand to get down.  That one was the worst as I had a small panic attack.  I hug a wall every time there is a drop-off, but I continue to push myself.  Huyana Picchu and the Inca Trail in Peru were both challenging, but I made it.  Your fears are a roadblock so get out of your own way by facing your fears and working through them.

Embrace Change

The hardest change in life is the changes we need but don’t want.  I realize I am the only one that can initiate, incorporate and execute change in my life.  I am in control.  This month has had me housing several members of the Jamaican Bobsled Team.  I provide housing and in return, I get to experience true joy and happiness from the Islanders who completely apply the mantra “don’t worry, be happy.”  The team members are truly optimistic and happy go lucky and embrace change. 

We go through a lot in life.  We go through change, difficult times, loss and sorrow, extreme happiness and joy and that forces change again. It is a never-ending stream of changes in our lives as well as accepting those changes.

I find the easiest way to embrace change is to be open and listen to new ideas.  Seasoned entrepreneurs have a lot of advice that if you simply ask questions and really listen to their answers, you will get profound ideas for your own business.

I am constantly finding ways to motivate myself and increase my personal productivity.  I have to change my daily activities and add structure.  I have to make time for personal physical and emotional growth to ensure my highest capabilities.  I want to defeat my fear of failure and succeed by facing it head on with positive change.

Be Grateful

I try to simplify my life, love people, be compassionate and caring, communicate honestly and truthfully with integrity, and remember there is always another person or many other people who have it so much worse.

Life is not perfect, but my life doesn’t suck.  I put my life in perspective and see the good as well as the bad.  I really have nothing to complain about.  I am very talented and have a great family and many close friends as well as business acquaintances.  I have a home, car and a career that I love.  I realize what I have, and I am so grateful.

Live in the moment

When you truly live in the moment, you increase your awareness of the little things.  I am mindful of other people’s talents, their small acts of kindness, their willingness to share their life experiences and how I can incorporate unique and meaningful experiences into my own life.  Each day is a blank page that can be filled with new unique and meaningful experiences.  Doing something new or meeting someone new adds to my already full life and I love those moments.  They bring a breath of fresh air.

In conclusion, it is a great reminder to let go of everything holding you back and live in the present while progressing toward a bigger and brighter future with hope, anticipation, and excitement for the positive things that are going to come.  Maintaining a positive attitude and letting go of the things that bind you will bring positive results when the timing is right.

Choosing a Company Name (DynaGrace Enterprises)

Choosing a business name can be one of the most difficult parts of starting a business because of the availability of the name or the domain.  The company I have had since 2006 had just gone through a trademark suit that could have been won with a lot of litigation.  I didn’t want to change the company name from Sensory Technology Consultants but because of the thought of expensive litigation we had to change.

I happened to find the domain available but only after extensive help from family and friends including a Facebook “Name my company” page.  For DynaGrace Enterprises, I went to Business Name Generator.  I started with my grandmother’s name, Olive Grace.  I was like how many companies have that name.  Well, it turns out a few have derivatives of that name.  But then I liked Grace.  Now I don’t share my middle name very often because my brother’s always used it when I tripped.  But now that I am an adult I love the name and think it is beautiful.

So what did I want to portray in my company besides elegance and grace?  Well, we aren’t dancers or ballerinas but I did want the feminine aspect in the name.  What would make it better?  How about a word meaning power or strength?  So I went to the Thesaurus and entered “power”.  I got several words, but one stood out, “dynamism”.   Then I went to dictionary.reference.com and looked up the word “dyna”.  The definition was perfect, a combining form meaning “power,” used in the formation of compound words. 

A quick search on domain names revealed that dynagrace.com was available, and DynaGrace Enterprises was born.  I felt incredibly lucky, and we had a meaningful name that combined into a great tagline, “Between POWER and GRACE lie EXCELLENCE.” 

Coming up with a name turned out to be the easy part.  After changing the name with the State of Utah, there were other things to consider especially in the realm of government contracting.  I will outline those steps in a subsequent blog article.